Good evening. I won't lie... it has been a bit of a horrible week. Ever since last Sunday night I've started to think about life too much and I have continued to do so. The deadline for re-contracting was on Friday and it acted as a catalyst for a minor breakdown for my friends and I. I've had a headache all week as a result of the constant self-analysis that has tormented my existence. I've been feeling quite confident about a third year for the past few weeks but everything just fell apart last week. It didn't help that my work were being really irritating and I was in a constant conversation of despair with a certain Mr Brennan who was suffering a more severe inner turmoil.

I have decided to stay for another 18 months and I'm pretty confident about my call. I can't be bothered going through all the points as I've done enough of that in my head. It is the best decision given my own circumstances and I think I will continue to enjoy it. However, this week made me realise that some things here have been making me unhappy recently. The saddest thing is that I do not know how to change them. I feel like I am stuck in a situation that I can't alter even if I had the motivation to do so. I don't like a lot of the people I work with and they don't like me. I have absolutely no connections with my colleagues and I am starting to dislike a lot of my elementary classes. My Japanese is pathetic but I do not have the chance to practice at my own speed. By that I mean... people at work just bark Japanese at me without trying to communicate and in recent months I have no good Japanese friends. I live in a gaijin bubble and I continue to work so I can enjoy my social life. I'm meant to be 'internationalising' my rural town but recently I have done absolutely nothing. I literally have no positive relationships with Japanese people or my town. My work has wasted Noah and I. They do not treat us like equals and sometimes I feel like I could stay in bed all day and nobody would notice. I'm not too ashamed to say I feel isolated at work and the late afternoons eat away at my soul.

That about sums up all the negatives and they are mostly work related. Recently I have just felt so disconnected from Japanese life and I'm not that fussed with it. I have such a high degree of self-loathing that when I start to blame other people for my problems then I know they're probably to blame for it. The rest of my life is great and I love things like having my own house, hanging out with my friends, my own car and loads of yen to blow away. Also, I've been going out with someone for the past few weeks and that's been going well. In saying that... a lot of people I know (and love sniff) will be leaving in the summer. I've been joking about it all weekend but I did actually have a little bit of emotion when I was uploading new pictures I took at the weekend. Anyone who reads this often might have heard me mention Noah, Joey and Andrew because we do stuff all the time. Well.... they're all going to leave me in the summer. One of my first memories in Tokyo was meeting Joey/Andrew in a conference room and the three of us had no idea what we were saying to each other. I think I might actually have an emotional breakdown when they leave. It's strange because the 2 year JET life is quite common and I feel like I'm being unusual by staying longer. Life here is so temporary and continuously timed/measured that it is different from reality sometimes.

This is my first real/complaining blog post in ages and it doesn't seem that well structured. I've actually had about 5 drafts for other matters but I never posted them. I guess the second year is just a repeat of things that got me excited/angry in the first year. Also, I get embarrassed when I read through on old entry and I'm now aware that people read all these ramblings.

What else is there to say?

I really want to go home and watch the rugby in a pub. I want sausages and newspapers.

I've been reading a lot more books and listening to music from Glasgow to soothe my brain. This has only made me regret not appreciating how amazing Glasgow actually is when I lived there.

I might be going to see Franz Ferdinand in Tokyo next week - a Uni friend is doing the sound for them but he is unreliable.

This has been one of the most stressful weeks I can remember and I only taught about 8 classes.

I'm planning a month long trip in the summer. I might try and get unpaid leave.

I have a desire to study Gaelic and German... it makes no sense.

I had this goatee for one day. I'm now in a February beard-off competition.

They're all leaving me. WHY?

I love this picture aye.