I guess I have put off talking about my trip to Korea for long enough. I probably should have written it when I got back about 5 weeks ago because now I can't remember that much about it. Although I did spend a lot of the time drunk so that could have contributed to my memory loss.

Before we even left Kansai airport I was being coerced into drinking white wine. Now, this is obviously too feminine a drink for me to consume... what with my rugged beard and all. However, I appreciate the silky ease of it as it pours down into my belly. Still, there is the increasingly difficult task of tilting the glass to a ridiculous angle the more you drink. My main point is I spent most of my time in Korea drinking wine. Mainly because their beer is atrocious and I liked to finish off the bottle for breakfast. What? I was on my holidays.

Also, I became addicted to the breaking news of swine flu and was excited to be scanned by a heat camera at Seoul airport. Naomi pointed out on the bus to the city that they drove on the right hand side of the road. I confirmed this observation by pretending to drive and acknowledged that this was correct. That evening we went out for some Korean barbecue and had the strange sensation of not knowing how to communicate. I began to speak in Japanese before remembering where I was and continued in sheepish English. Of course, it turns out that the majority of Korean people that I interacted with were outstanding at English. Japan and all their English teachers (ahem) should be ashamed of themselves. Also, during the trip a lot of Korean people started speaking to us both in Japanese. I think it is because we both have slanty eyes or it could have been the Japanesey way we conducted ourselves at the dinner table.

I never did quite get over the hurdle of communication. Mainly because Korea is almost exactly like Japan on the surface. The only difference I could detect (apart from the obvious language/writing) was that Korea had a lot more western chains of delicious food and that Koreans had a more determined look on their face. I say that because Japanese people tend to wander about like a child whose just walked into Disneyland for the first time. It really is a very similar country though. If you were to show pictures of Seoul and Tokyo then I doubt you could really tell them apart. They're just very clean, busy, modern East Asian cities. A lot of the traditional culture of food, temples, dress is all very similar. Even modern stuff like the television format is almost identical if you ignore the language difference. It's amusing because the two countries detest each other and each nationality would punch me if I compared the two. I guess it's like comparing Spain and France. Europeans could talk endlessly on how different these countries are but a tourist from Japan would probably see all the similarities.

So yeah we went to some stuff in Seoul like the imperial palace/gardens, up Seoul Tower which was alright and a 'teddy bear' museum that I thought was appalling. There isn't much to see in Korea outside of Seoul apart from the demilitarised zone and Gyeongju (the old cultural capital). Our plans to go there were scuppered when it became apparent that the 'Golden Week' holidays occurred at the exact same time in Korea. See... they're exactly the same. So their version of the bullet train (KMZ) that leaves every 15 minutes was booked out the whole day. We had to pay a lot more for hotels too but it wasn't too big a deal. Anyway, we got there the next day and looked about all the sites and that. Some of it was alright and some of it was pretty disappointing. We saw the oldest observatory in Asia and I could have probably built one myself in about two days. Listen... I'm boring myself here. We saw more stuff there and then got drunk again in Seoul and went home. The end.

Thoughts on Korea

Korea is probably on par with Japan in my opinion but with a lot less to do and slightly less significant. Korean people seem to have a bit more of an edge (common sense) to them. I think I prefer Japan if only because I'm scared Koreans would punch me (2 years compulsory military service) if I said hello to their missus. Furthermore, they're are too many braindead American military walking around for my liking.

There national dish is fermented cabbage and I think it's boring and rubbish. It doesn't help that they serve you up about 15 small dishes of it when you have a Korean meal. They use metal chopsticks as well... they're horrible. It's probably that reason why we spent our time eating proper steaks - what is wrong with you Japan? Also, their cans of juice are amazing. They're all small, slim and the perfect amount. Their shops also stock Twix.

Korean people are just as stupid as Japanese people. They have a really annoying habit of dressing up in matching clothes. Young couples will wear some designer brand and one of them will have the exact same top but the colours reversed. Families will wear the exact same t-shirt when they were out sightseeing... maybe so the kids don't get lost? They look like idiots.

The most annoying and vanity driven cultural difference I have ever noticed belongs to Korean people. They are all obsessed with taking photographs of themself or their nearest and dearest. You see young women taking about 20 pictures on their mobile phone from different angles and lovestruck guys attacking their girlfriends with a camera that resembles a telescope. The worst is their complete lack of courtesy and I often found myself stopped on a busy path whislt a father configured his camera for the perfect shot. I think it is essential that the world is aware of this.

I took this outside a toilet you know. Above the urinal said "I can see you".

Gyeongju mounds. Like 'Kinder Surprise' but with dead emperors inside.

Another temple in Asia? What a lovely surprise.

I'm happy. Also, I don't really like 'The Strokes'

I've been meaning to write some blog posts in the past few weeks but self-censorship and a lack of free time has stopped me. I was going to spend this evening complaining away like old times but there really is no reason to do so. Instead, let me tell you how I spent my lazy Saturday afternoon.

I broke my ice cube tray about a year ago and have been too lazy to buy one since. The hot weather inspired me to go in search of one. This turned out to be quite difficult as the supermarket and drugstore didn't have any. I went to the hardware store and couldn't find any either. I couldn't be arsed asking in Japanese because I forgot what ice was and had no idea what tray was. I could probably have said "Ai-su tu-re" but sometimes Japan tricks you and has a katakana name from some other foreign word. For example, an X-ray is called a 'Rentogen' and a stapler is a 'Hotchkiss' . Also, for some reason 'part-time work' in Japanese is the German word for work.

Anyway... I was my usual miserable self and was about to leave when Naomi asked a staff member for me whilst calling me a useless idiot. The tray was hidden away and I was excited about my purchase. So caught up in the glee of my weekend spending spree in the countryside that I bought a plastic gun that shoots caps. We bought some beer and wine in the supermarket on the way back and proceeded to laze about in my apartment. I then spent the next few hours hiding on my balcony in just my underwear whilst waiting on Japanese people to walk past. I then shot my surprisingly loud cap gun and watched their reactions with significant satisfaction. My proudest moment was jumping from one balcony to the other whilst chasing an old man on a bicycle. He turned around to look at me and nearly cycled in the gutter. How I laughed and laughed at my twisted immaturity and my unusual way of dealing with culture shock.

Later on we went to an "M" themed party. It was someone's birthday so all these happy Americans (ie irritating) were saying all these rhyming poems about the person. I remember standing there having absolutely no idea what was going on. I just wanted them all to shut up so I could start talking to people again. Urgh... enthusiastic Americans with their wee quirky quirky things. They're all too confident now that Obama is in charge. The night ended with dancing in Kochi City where I got well and truly drunk. I've invented a dance called 'The Mirage'.

Goodnight.

Also, I bought a new cap for 700 yen that says 'Disco Magic' on it. It's possibly my favourite purchase of all time. It's rainy season now. Here's a picture.

I'm still at work even though I finished half an hour ago and I need to come back in an hour for my adult class. Why am I waiting? So I can have a meeting for one class that is happening on Thursday. It's the same meeting every week as well as the class revolves around flashcards, repetition, let's dialogue and me making hundreds of laminated cards for 10 minutes use.

The main wait today was to show me an email from Katakana sensei (who left last month) who had the GENIUS idea of including karuta in the class. The most simple, overused card game that every ALT has used since the dawn on time. Deary DEARY me.

Thus continues the third dire week of work....

Good evening. Today has been one of those days where I might have actually earned my wage. I'm knackered and about to head off to bed but I thought I should write about tonight's advanced English class. One of the old ladies gave her presentation on some Japanese "jokes". She used the setting of a restaurant and described the reaction of many different nationalities when they found a fly in their soup:

The British man makes a sarcastic remark but doesn't complain. The American threatens to sue the owner. The Russian man is too drunk to notice. The Frenchman insults the chef and refuses to pay.

It was basically playing up to stereotypes and I was nodding along politely despite being slightly bored by it. That was until we hear about the Chinese man who noticed the fly but ate it anyway. Then there was the Korean man who blamed the Japanese for the fly and burned a flag.... that last one really took me by surprise.

Alright alright fair enough. Chinese people are filthy animals and Korean people hate you. As long as we hear a wee joke about the Japanese being stupid and apologising for noticing it or something? Nope... the Japanese man doesn't make a scene in the restaurant. Instead he quietly calls over the waiter to have it replaced. This is because Japanese people are well-balanced, polite and don't give into emotion. That was the punchline apparently. Look at all these other stupid foreigners compared to us.

She then asked me what I thought of Japanese character. I told her that when we tell these jokes at home then we tend to include ourselves in the mocking. I then asked her if she knew what sarcasm was as most Japanese have no idea. She asked me what I thought of Japanese character. So I asked everyone else instead.

Later on, a new couple admitted that they didn't come to my class last week because I had travelled to Korea. They were scared I would bring back swine flu from a country that had one confirmed case when I left. Ironically, Japan is now the most infected country behind North America. It's first case was announced last Friday and now there are about 200 confirmed in and around Osaka. A friend I know who went to America was quarantined in her house for a week because she was on the same flight as one of the initial carriers. They're acting a bit over the top over here at the moment though. Closing down schools everywhere, cancelling school trips and sporting events. One never does get tired of hearing infrrruenza on the television...

The punchline to my joke is: They ask the owner for some booze but get angry when they are served salmon instead. Confused... they burn the place down and go the pub.

On the way to the pub they meet their Scottish friend who has just returned from Japan. He explains the two meanings of sake. Irritated... they ask their patchy bearded friend if he studied the language because his country doesn't have one of its own. He kills them.

There are a lot of stupid gaijin (foreigners) living in Japan and a lot more tedious stereotypical views of Japan that exist in western society. Therefore, I think it is only fair that I start to address some of them.

I reckon if you were to ask an average person in Scotland what they thought of Japan then they'd imagine a packed Shibuya crossing in Tokyo with hundreds of people buzzing about with cheap, see-through umbrellas. Then they'd have a flashback to a picture of a bullet train passing by Mt. Fuji whilst some cherry blossoms blow past in a breeze of serenity. Then they'd mention stuff like respect, bowing, samurai, sushi, earthquakes, tsunamis, Hiroshima and Nagasaki, suicide, sumo, karate, konnichiwa, sayonara*, ichi ni san, domo arigato Mr.Roboto and the apparent abundance of vending machines that sell schoolgirls underwear. Basically, it's a fair assessment of what Japan likes to portray to the world (maybe not the last one) and what the western world then happily regurgitates in books, television and film.

I was guilty of this myself before moving to Japan and occasionally I still fall victim to it when I try and take a pretencious picture like this:


Indeed, every friend I have on facebook has taken the exact same pictures of Japan. There's the many different angled pictures of temples, a geisha in Kyoto talking on a mobile phone, a close-up shop of noodles and green tea and some bad English written on a t-shirt. Lack of originality aside... these are okay because they are a reality of every day life that is different to us. The problem with some of the stereotypical views in the western media is that they always play up the extremes too much. They are obsessed with portraying Japan as this modern, western country yet still connected deeply to its traditional past. Every source of media must mention something about respect, shame and honour. A lot of this is based on truth of course but it so infuriating when you've lived here for two years yet still witness Hollywood spew out the same, recycled drivel about the samurai spirit of Japan.

Here is the perfect example of what I was trying to put across in this post. It is the trailer for "The Ramen Girl" staring Brittany Murphy in a supposed cash-in on the success of "Lost in Translation".



There is so much in this video that makes me annoyed. Not only does it look like a terrible film in which we're supposed to find sympathy for someone who can live rent free in Tokyo for a few months... but it cranks up the cliches to a ridiculous extent. First off... if some blond American walked into a local ramen shop and started speaking English then they'd apologise for not understanding and subsequently ignore her. Secondly... they wouldn't hire a gaijin on any principle... nevermind one who doesn't bother her arse at the language and doesn't have a sufficient visa.

The worst part is about halfway through when we have the triple entente of despair with "No spirit!" "Begin by putting tears in your broth" and "There's something about the Japanese and the perfect bowl of soup... it's kinda beautiful". No, it's a bowl of bloody soup from China and you eat it. Now shut the hell up.

The main point I was trying to make here is that life in Japan is not like a Hollywood movie. I don't spend my days jumping on and off bullet trains to visit temples where I will walk about whimsically in the rain trying to find myself whilst some music with synthesisers plays in the background. The truth is that life here is just like anywhere else in the developed world. People wear jeans, watch television, enjoy eating dinner, have a hobby, live in the dull suburbs, drive to shopping malls on Sunday afternoon to buy unesscary goods. In between all that there might be an amusing cultural clash, an unusual food for dinner and an evening bonding with a local farmer but it isn't as big a deal. Certainly not something to fill a blog full of...

*Sayonara actually translates better as 'Farewell'. I've never used it.

Last weekend was one of the healthiest I can remember. This was because I gave up drinking (well... I had 3 beers) and took up lots of exercising. On Saturday I went to the city to practice for the various sport tournaments I am participating in this summer. First up was football for the infamous KFC (Kochi Football Club). I am pleased to announce that the colours of our new strip are the same as the mighty Partick Thistle. I then played the ever popular (in American colleges) 'sport' of Ultimate Frisbee and a version of rugby that removes all the fun from it.

The following day I was awoken at the horrible time of 7:30am to go hiking in the vicious mountains of Shikoku. I fell asleep on the way there and let Naomi and Joey do all the talking with the Japanese people. I did the same on the way back because I am a miserable and sleepy git. I did get mistaken for another bearded foreigner on Kochi TV who advertises a local fruit juice. In between all this we went hiking in the roasting sun. I was in pain throughout but like all things I experience in life... I enjoyed it in retrospect.

Our crowd of Japanese people dressed like they were off to tackle Everest... rather than a 90 minute hike in 25 degree heat.

I should be a model in a hiking magazine.

Getting our picture taken at the top of 1560m.

Eating a really horrible bento (packed lunch). Fish, gunk, jelly, slime and cold tea. Mmm mmm

Last Thursday night I was sitting in my apartment and recovering from over indulgences in Korea and the gruelling effects of my first day back at work. I left my house at about 6pm to go for a walk and my plan was to shower, drink tea and go to bed as soon as possible.

I passed Noah's window on my way out and he mentioned some old guy had approached him in the supermarket and demanded we drink with him. As I was thinking of my possible excuses for cutting Noah loose I heard some dirty Tosa-ben (local dialect) grunt at me from behind and I was soon ushered up the stairs. Accepting my fate for the evening... I walked into Noah's apartment and the three of us set about 12 cans of beer and a bottle of Sho-Chu (Japanese vodka).

The conversation did not start off us uncomfortable as I had imagined. We initially talked in Japanese about the food his wife had made and which he had brought. I tried to make fun of Noah for only owning one pair of chopsticks but the old man did not join in with my mocking and I was saddened. I soon let go of my poor conversational skills and let Noah and the man dominate the rest of the evening. I followed the majority of what was said but sometimes it was impossible given his old man rural grumbles.

As the evening progressed he challenged Noah and I to some arm wrestling. I went first and was naively thinking I would let him win after an intense struggle to the death. Instead... the old man almost smashed my arm through the table in about 5 seconds. He's 67 years old. I didn't feel too ashamed later on when he told us he used to fight his way around Japan when he was a trucker. At one point he told us he got in a fight with a few policeman and broke two of their arms and a leg. He then gave a little "Oh.. but I injured myself too so it was alright".

The rest of the conversation I can only remember from Noah's translations which consisted of some strange stories about religion and stuff. He mentioned that his daughter was killed and some man was responsible for it. It was a strange moment because it was hard to reply to that in any language and it was peculiar to have this old man opening up to the only two foreigners he had ever talked too. It was an unusual evening of forced boozing and robbed sleep but I had quite a good time. After nearly two years of living here, he is only one of a rare few to approach Noah and I. He had never been abroad, never talked to a foreigner, didn't care about learning English but brought loads of booze around and hung out with us... so fair play to him I say.

What a crushing defeat for British English.... or just English in second thoughts.

Good afternoon. This is my last day of work until next Thursday thanks to the Golden Week holidays over here. Although I would argue that Monday-Wednesday does not constitute a week. Also, if you notice a lot more Japanese people next week then that's because everyone leaves Japan to go travelling. Mainly because it's the only time people can get off during the year... poor chaps.

Tomorrow is Showa Day which celebrates the life of the last emperor and "to reflect on Japan's Showa period when recovery was made after turbulent days, and to think of the country's future." I'll tell you what I'll be doing though... I'm off across the water to visit Japan's bestest friend, South Korea. It'll be good to get a break from being constantly surrounded by Asian people. Even better... the following day I will be getting 12000 yen from the government's economic stimulus policy. Cheers lads. I promise to spend it all on Asahi beer.

Ach... it's a hard life. What with the faltering global economy, the mass unemployment and now the arrival of the swine flu in North America (and now in Monklands, Scotland!). It's going to be so hard to enjoy myself in the spring sunshine of Seoul whilst my strong Japanese yen bursts all over the yakiniku table. Oh the woes of my life.

p.s The amount of people that make puns on the name Seoul DISGUSTS ME.